A ‘little’ update, since December. When I last wrote, I expressed my general malaise, and my fear of change. A shock to nobody maybe that I have again been MIA. I say, when life hands you lemons (in the form of a failed relationship), stick your head in the sand!
In the time since my last post, an important relationship ended and lots of change has come my way. I moved out of the apartment I was sharing with my partner, and into a place on my own. It’s again, my part time pup, and me.
And guess what? I am happy to be living alone again.
Before you sigh deeply as I usually do, whenever a single girl proclaims to the world how “truly happy she is being alone!” I am conscious of the fact that I don’t want to be alone, or single forever. I am also conscious of the fact that it’s pretty likely that I won’t be.
I do wake up some Sunday mornings and wish that I had a man to go for coffee with, and I do miss the default Friday night plans that come with a relationship. I hate the grocery store when I’m single, and I miss knowing whom I’m bringing to breakfast, or that wedding in July. When I’m down, I obsess over the loneliness that I feel, and therefor project into the future. But, I know myself well enough to know that these thoughts and feelings, and fears are normal for me after a break-up.
I am sad that the relationship ended, I am sad that at this time last year there was talk of babies, and houses, and marriage, oh my. I’m sad that I’m 33 and single again. But I am also thrilled to be living in my own space, where the television can be on whatever channel, I want. Where I feel no shame for my genuine appreciation of Grey’s Anatomy. Where I can have crackers and cheese, and tea, for dinner. Where I can sit on the couch all day, or decide on a whim that I am leaving town, or just going to the mall.
I enjoy these things. And for now, I’m choosing to bathe in this ability to do whatever, whenever I want – pretty much. I am also choosing to be thankful for the end of a relationship that wasn’t bad, or abusive, or terrible in any way, but that wasn’t letting either of us be us. And I am thankful for a breather.
This may be obvious post break-up psychosis, I’m open to that possibility, but for me it’s worth noting that after previous break-ups I couldn’t wait to dive into the next thing. READ: Next relationship. I couldn’t be alone, often dragging the ghost of boyfriends past into the relationship that followed. I guess all I can say is that this time; this way feels like a better way to go.
I have been pointed again towards changes I want to make, and patterns I need to break, and as has been the theme throughout my adult life, I’m blessed to have the time, space, and support I need to get back on my feet.
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” -Socrates